i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
