Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
