I think I died a long time ago.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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