like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
