the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
