Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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