I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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