im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
