Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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