Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
