I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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