Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
