She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
