I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dear god my vagina.
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