Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Everclear isn't food dammit
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
