All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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