Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
