Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
