The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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