Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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