someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love you.
Bad choice
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