someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
