At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
They took my balls.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
