Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
