I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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