Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
