I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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