forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Let's paint friendship bongs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
