i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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