If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
