The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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