I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
