We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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