Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
