I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
