Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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