Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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