wakey wakey hands off snakey
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
