the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
