I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
