how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
