i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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