I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Swine flu. Run for my life!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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