Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
