i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
