I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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