Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
