I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
