My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
