I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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