You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
